In which Hufflepuff is a bamf
by Caeli Quaedem
Summary: Welcome and discover the tale of the three little House mascots and the big bad Hufflepuff with me. Starkid references may or may not be included! Flames welcome! I don't own Harry Potter or Starkid, or Redvines. Rated because K makes me think of Disney.


**A/N: I really have no idea where this came from. Do read though, I spent two days of my life on this. Reviews would make me less nervous for the first day of school. It would, so do review. Please? :) Flames are welcome, if you feel the need to. Harry Potter, Starkid, and Redvines are owned by their respective owners. Don't sue, I don't have money.**

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Once upon a time there was a mother castle that had three little mascots. The three little mascots grew so big that Mother Hogwarts said to them, "You are too big for me to hide you from the big, bad Hufflepuff. You must go and hide from the big, bad Hufflepuff yourselves. Take care to not use any magic to hide yourselves or the big, bad Hufflepuff would FIND you."

The three little Houses nodded fearfully and bid their Mother Hogwarts goodbye, "We will take care that the big, bad Hufflepuff does not FIND us."

Soon they met a goblin who was selling invisibility cloaks. The first mascot, a snake called Slytherin, asked the wizard how much the invisibility cloak would cost.

"Seventy galleons," the goblin answered haughtily, "which I'm sure you little snake won't have." Slytherin, who was offended by the goblin's assumption that he was poor, brought out all his savings and gave the man the needed amount.

"Here," he replied smugly, "Now, give me the cloak!"

The goblin's eyes widened and he gave Slytherin the invisibility cloak, smirking at the big amount of gold he had earned. "Nice doing business with ya!" Then, he went on his merry way.

Ravenclaw, the eagle tsked at her brother. "Didn't Mother Hogwarts tell us not to use magic to hide from the big, bad Hufflepuff? He'll FIND you out for sure!"

Slytherin smirked superiorly at Ravenclaw, "Of course not. I didn't _use_ magic. I'm just going to put on this cloak. If the cloak happened to have a Disillusionment charm put on it, then who am I to argue?"

"Technically," pointed out Ravenclaw reasonably, "You _are_ using magic, since you're using a magical object."

Gryffindor the lion let out a comical groan. "Gosh, Ravenclaw! Why do you have to be such a buzzkill?"

Slytherin put on the invisibility cloak even though that's physically impossible because he doesn't have arms or hands as Ravenclaw started lecturing Gryffindor on things he couldn't care less about.

"Ravenclaw, stop yapping and go find something else to hide yourself from. Shoo!"

Gryffindor jumped and turned around in circles. "Huh? Who's there?"

Slytherin whipped off the cloak and grinned widely. "It's just me." Gryffindor grinned back, "Oh, Slytherin it's just you," and gave Slytherin a man hug. Which looked really weird since Gryffindor is a lion and Slytherin is a snake.

Eventually, Gryffindor and Ravenclaw Houses went away to find better ways to hide from the big, bad Hufflepuff.

Slytherin House was very pleased with his purchase. Very pleased indeed. He slithered around the Scottish mountainside; content in the knowledge that the cloak would hide him from the big, bad Hufflepuff's finding powers. He wondered if his Mother Hogwarts really did have a hidden swimming pool somewhere.

Gryffindor and Ravenclaw Houses, the second and third Houses, respectively, soon encountered a troll carrying guitars. Gryffindor's eyes widened in delight at the sight of the musical instruments. He went up to the troll eagerly and exclaimed, "Good day, Mr. Troll! Would you be as kind as to give me one of your guitars?"

The troll turned around, dropping the broomsticks- unfortunately- behind him. It grunted. "Who you?" It asked stupidly.

"My name is Gryffindor," the lion boasted proudly, "and I would like to have some of your guitars. The troll placed its humungous hand on its hairy chin and assumed a thinking position, looking rather constipated as he did. Ravenclaw and Gryffindor House waited for its decision rather impatiently.

Eventually, the troll looked down at them and drawled "No," in its slow, low voice. Gryffindor House scowled and drew his sword, which is also physically impossible since he's a lion and I don't think lion paws can hold a sword properly. But go along with it for the sake of the story. "Then I shall have to duel you for it," he exclaimed mightily, brandishing his sword exuberantly in front of him. The troll gave a lengthy, chilling laugh. "You can't defeat me, you lowly lion!"

Gryffindor took this as consent and fought the troll long and hard. In the end, his sword was bloody and troll ran away crying, causing a few minor earthquakes along the coasts of Scotland and England. Gryffindor held up the guitars triumphantly.

"Hufflepuff would never try to harm me if I play music!" he mused loudly.

Ravenclaw stared at her brother, her expression gobsmacked. "Gryffindor," she stated slowly, drawing out the word, "Hufflepuff would FIND you if he can hear where you are because of those guitars."

Gryffindor looked at Ravenclaw with a dude-ur-so-retarded look. "Ravenclaw, don't be absurd! I know that not everyone can be as totally awesome as me; and that's cool. Now why don't you go and try to learn how to draw."

He straddled a random broomstick that appeared out of nowhere (though some say it was given to him by a pianist backstage) and took off into the air, letting out a few whoops and shouting, "I'm the King of the World!"

Ravenclaw House sighed at her brothers' stupidity and continued walking along, farther and farther from where her Mother Hogwarts stood. As I said earlier, Ravenclaw is an eagle, but since flying is too mainstream, she decided to just walk and tire herself out faster.

Eventually, she got hungry and stopped a travelling witch to ask where she could find food. The witch smiled and asked her to follow her. Amazingly, the witch turned into a small honeybee and started buzzing to a nearby tree. _An Animagus!_ Ravenclaw thought in awe. They came upon a tree where a large nest of honeybees were hanging from. Hundreds of honeybees were busily buzzing and swarming around the nest. The witch Animagus buzzed around some bees before entering the hive and coming back out after a few minutes. The honeybee turned back into a witch and pointed her wand at the hive. The other bees made way respectively. A stream of honey came out of the hive and flowed straight into a jar the witch had conjured. She handed the jar to Ravenclaw House.

"There you go, dear. Use it well."

Ravenclaw House nodded dumbly, shocked from all that happened. She took the jar and placed it inside her robes. Because she magically turned into a human witch all of a sudden. "Thank you very much, Miss. Is there anything I could give to you in thanks?"

The witch shook her head negatively. "Nothing much, dear. Be on your way, then and be wary of the big, bad Hufflepuff!"

Ravenclaw smiled at the witch and went on her own merry way, occasionally drinking honey from her jar.

Soon enough, she met a dragon guarding the mouth of a large cave. She came towards it warily and jumped when it let out a loud roar, spraying blue fire over a little hill and burning the grass to a crisp. Her eyes widened as she caught a glimpse of the large cave. It was dark and dank and smelled really bad. It was somewhere she can hide from the big, bad Hufflepuff.

The dragon let out another roar and Ravenclaw House jumped, dropping the glass jar full of honey and spilling the sweet liquid onto the road.

"Holy Merlin's concrete foundations!" She tried to siphon the honey back into the jar but gave it up as a lost cause after seven failed attempts.

She waited until the dragon's back was turned before sprinting full-speed into the entrance and inside the large cave. She sighed in relief when she got into a moderately bright part of the cave and rolled around the muddy floor, falling fast asleep.

::

The next day, Hufflepuff had just come from FINDing the remains of the Giant Squid's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather, and had earned a few packs of Redvines for selling it to that old, suspicious-looking bloke with the awesome blue headband and ill-fitting wig. Chewing on the red stick of awesomeness, he wondered who else he can FIND and terrorize.

Yellowed parchment soon popped into existence in front of him and he eagerly picked it up. He read the words slowly out loud, "Little House, little House, let me FIND you."

'What the hell is this?' though Hufflepuff to himself.

Slytherin, who was by then lounging lazily in the now FOUND swimming pool, heard Hufflepuff's terrifying drawl and clutched the cloak tighter to himself. "No! No! By Darren Criss' amazing song writing, you'll never FIND me!" he called out.

'How stupid can this people be?" thought Hufflepuff amusedly, again to himself. He tried to humour whoever it was and called out, "Then I'll huffle and puff, and blow your House points away!"

Slytherin's eyes widened in terror, "No! Please! I'll do anything!"

Hufflepuff smiled and looked directly at where Slytherin was standing, "Give me the cloak."

'_This is just too easy. Did he really think I couldn't see him?' _

Slytherin pouted but took off the cloak and reluctantly handed it to Hufflepuff. He noticed the pack of Redvines and excitedly asked for some.

"Do you like Redvines?" asked Hufflepuff cautiously. What if it was just another poser?

"Do I like Redvines?' asked Slytherin incredulously, "They're only the most amazing thing in the entire planet!"

Hufflepuff grinned and shouted, "Jazz hands!", and brofisted Slytherin- the snake, before going on his merry way.

When Hufflepuff got tired, he put on the invisibility cloak and lent against a tree, merrily chewing on his heavenly Redvines. He heard some clear notes of music and looked around, trying to find where it came from.

"... and you're really, really skinny..."

There! Up in the air! It's a bird! No, it's a plane! No, it's... just a lion holding a guitar on a broomstick. Sigh. How disappointing.

He tiredly got up and shouted at the top of his lungs, "Little House, little House, let me FIND you!"

Gryffindor heard the man and urged his broomstick to go faster. Apparently though, the pianist needed it back and scooped it out of mid-air, causing Gryffindor to fall down to the ground on his bum.

"Owww, that friggin' hurt!"

Hufflepuff cleared his throat and laughed menacingly, or tried to anyway. It came out more like a monkey vomiting on Mars while all the Pigfarts students set off fireworks in celebration of thrity-fifth of July- on static radio.

Gryffindor glared at him and tried to stand up, only to fall back again as the pianist also scooped up the piece of land he was standing on. He looked up at Hufflepuff and promptly dropped his jaw.

"Wizard god, you're the big, bad Hufflepuff! Ohmigosh, you shouldn't have been able to FIND me!"

Hufflepuff shrugged one shoulder modestly, "Yeah well, I did."

Gryffindor House eyed him shrewdly, "What are you going to do to me? You can't kill me! I'll have you know that I'm very handy with a sword!"

"Whoa, dude, chill! I'm not even doing anything!"

"DON'T COME NEAR ME!"

"I'm not. I just wanted to-"

"STAY BACK! STAY BACK, I SAY!"

"Look, I just-"

_Vwooom..._

"Silly House! You can't harm me with your puny metal sword!"

"Get away from me, you inhuman! ROARRRRR!"

Gryffindor picked up his guitar and broomstick, which also randomly reappeared, and ran as far away as possible from the big, bad Hufflepuff. If the sword can't destroy him, then nothing else will. Right? Right.

Hufflepuff grumbled and walked further along. "Bleeding coward..." he muttered to himself, "Won't even play a song for me..."

If this was a normal fairytale, Hufflepuff would've reached Ravenclaw by the end of the day, and he'll be defeated because of Ravenclaw's insane cleverness, and you can ask the children about what lesson they've learned from this tale and blah, blah, blah, blah. But since this isn't a normal fairytale and Hufflepuff, who's a badger, by the way, can get tired fairly easily, he went to sleep and decided to FIND other things the next day.

Eventually though, Hufflepuff didn't think it was worth it to look for Ravenclaw anymore and had just given up when he saw a trail of spilt honey near the entrance of the cave. Waving at the dragon, he scooped up the honey and drank. Then, he left to hang out with the snake and the lion and gave them both cool blue headbands while the weird eagle found heaven in the cave filled with Boss Zefron posters.

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**Review please? Oh, and tell me what you think of the cover/banner thing. Made it myself! :) Found the crest on fanpop (dot) com. **


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